Monday, March 9, 2009

i dont know who to be angier at..

Last night.

I went to bed, no television (which is out of character for me).

As I laid there, I began to think, then I began to pray.

We are taught to forgive others. Not for their sake, but for our own. We forgive because even though it was someone else who hurt us, we carry the burdon of anger and resentment. How unfair is that? But that is life, that is the way of the world. So we have to forgive, because carrying that weight around starts to get awfully heavy after a while.

For some reason, this message has been screaming at me lately. So last night, I thought to myself, its time. I have moved on from the things and people that have hurt me in my life, but I dont know that I have ever really let go of the pain. I have never used forgiveness in my life. Ive been carrying around this ache for a very long time.

As i laid there, I drew out a dreadfully detailed list of all the people that I was angry with. It started with my dad, or not being in my life. He just, was never there. Not one softball game, not one cheerleading competition, he missed my first day of kindergarden, he missed everything. And well my romantic life, I never realized how many daddy issues I had until I got older.

I was angry at Brandon. So freaking angry. The thought of my life two years ago makes my nauseous. I was angry with ALL the other guys I have dated in my life, which only add up to 4. But three of them cheated on me. Which led (obviously) to the breakup. And the latest one, I dont know why Im so angry at this one. I guess because he was like a breath of fresh air, he was different, he was better. Or so I thought. And its not the fact that he ended things with me, if he didnt like me enough, he didnt like me enough, there is nothing to be angry about. Its the after part, the calling when he is lonely, or wants/needs something from me. The taking advantage part. That is what pisses me off. Because there again, im giving and they are taking.

I went through this whole list of people that I have been angry at for some time now, and one by one, I went through the details of why i was so bitter and as I talked to God, I felt a little better after each testimony. Some took longer than others, obviously, Brandon's took some DEEP soul searching to genuinely grant forgiveness to, I have been saying that I forgive him for a while now, because i knew to truly move on that I needed to forgive him, i wanted to forgive him, but at the end of the day, i was still irate.

I went through and after I was done, I felt better, I felt lighter (in a sense). But something wasnt right, i did not feel the relief, the comfort i was hoping for, that i was expecting. So, I asked God, why do I need feel like I have been told I would feel? And then it hit me, the chilling realization that i was still angry. I was angry with myself. I was so mad at myself all this time.

The person that took the longest to forgive in my prayer wasnt Brandon, wasnt my dad, it was me. I am irritated with me. I am mad at the things I have done in my life, I was mad at things I did that made me a bad friend at a point in my life, (this references lynsey). I dont think I even ever apologized for it, how rediciulous is that? But I am sorry, more than you could ever imagine.

I am pissed at myself for all the things I LET happen to me. There is only so much someone can do to hurt you on their will. At some point we have to take responsibility to the fact that there is a level we reach where we start letting these people hurt us and in turn we hurt ourselves. I let Brandon treat me the way he did for a very long time. And thats not on him, thats on me. I let it happen, I stood by and watched as my heart got beaten to death, I didnt do anything to stop it, I just watched. And then threw the blame back on him. Not to say he is not at fault, because if you have to keep a book of people in your life from worst to best, he would be on the first page in bold letters. But like I said, there is only so much he could do without my subconscious permission.

Recognizing that I was who I was angriest at wasnt the hard part. The part that was difficult was being able to forgive yourself. I sat there and I made out a mental list of all the people i needed to forgive and why, but when it came down to myself, there was no manual on how to do it. Because as soon as I walked through the reasons of why i was so mad at me and all the flaws i foudn within myself and my past, a grand surge of guilt came over me. I felt guilty for forgiving myself, because it wasnt just blame that i had on myself. I wasnt hurt by what someone else did to me, I was opressed by what I did to me, and others in my life. I felt so guilty so asking for forgiveness from my sins and myself. Because when you have to forgive you, there is no one to blame but yourself. There is no one that hurt you but you.

I spent hours in bed last night literally in tears, uncontrollable tears. Working out my mistakes with God and working out the mistakes others made towards me. This morning I woke and up and could have floated to work on a cloud. I woke up changed for the better.

It wasnt easy but when you can push through that bitterness and you can learn to sincerely forgive someone, and you can push through the guilt and embarrassment of your own faults. You will be the better for it.

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