Tuesday, March 3, 2009

hostage of my own mentality.

I woke up this morning pissed off. I am so angry with myself. Angry at my past for breaking me, angry at my future for seeming so far away, and most definitely angry at my present life. I have a guy that only wants to talk to me when its convenient for him, or when he wants something from me. I have work that has zero relivancy to my career goals. I have school, which i love, but i feel like im running in circles trying to finish, the harder i try to finish the more set backs my efforts contain.

Im irritated at the fact that I am only 22 years old, I am in the prime of my youth, i should be living every moment of it, but i cant. Im stuck. Im at an age where everyone around me (all my friends from high school and friends i grew up with, even their younger sisters) are getting married or are seriously involved with someone. Insert the sick mentality that something is wrong with me because I havent hopped on the love train. I was on it once, it took me a long time to get off of it. And the places it took me, i never want to go back.

This mind set though, ive convinced myself that Im not happy because I have been single for quite sometime now. I like being single, Ive never been big on boyfriends. Im not a serial dater. Its just not my style, i know when i like someone, it doesnt take much for me to know. And it hasnt happened that often.

I have settled. I have compromised myself. I am letting someone in my life, at this time, take advantage of the fact that i like(d) him. And if I were stronger, I would turn away from it, call him a jerk, and move on. Thats what i want to do, that is what i need to do. But mentality kicks in.. and the thought of not having that attention at all is a scarey thought. So, i compromise. I settle, for less than I deserve. I settle for his convenience, I settle on his time. i know what i want. but i havent found it. i havent even come close to finding it. I let myself be treated half ass. And its my fault, im not victimizing myself by no means. I hate that role. I just wish I was stronger, I want to be stronger. I am going to be this person in my head. One that doesnt care about time lines on her love life, she doesnt let some guy decide when he wants to be and not be in her life. She doesnt care about the expectations around her, because she lives on her time, the way she wants to live. Because it is, in fact, her life. I am her. I am this person in my head. So why cant i show it?

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