Tuesday, March 31, 2009

all i have..

the only thing i have to blog about today is the only thing i have to say, becuase its the only thing i can think about..


im miserably tired.

oh, and im a little sad that grey's is a rerun this week. BOO.

Monday, March 30, 2009

where i am. where i want to be.

i am one year and 8 months away from being at the beginning of where i want to be.

i want to move out of this town. i have been in atlanta for two years now, and im ready. im ready to move on and im ready to get out. atlanta is the biggest small town ive ever been in. its large (compared to columbus, definitely) but, still.. i went to church this past sunday and my friend carly (i grew up with) and her newly (one year) husband came to the service with me, and as i went to introduce she/him to my friends .. tyler (husband) already knew everyone. they went to high school together. it was at that moment i realized.. its still such 'a small world' ..

i think i want to go back to the west coast for a while. the last time i moved there, i was brought back to the dreaded south because of a (poisenous) relationship that i thought i needed at the time. but that is far behind me now, and i need to relive that part of my life i think. i need to be completely away from people i know. i want to be completely on my own, if only for a while. to meet the people i wanna meet. to do the things i wanna do. selfish, i know. but i think i need some ME in my life.

i am a thousand miles from where i am and where i wanna be..

im packed and ready to get to where i want to go.

there are two parts of me ..where i am. where i want to be.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

too many points to count. self control- there is none.

Last night.

Last night my roomie Hollan and I went to dinner and then went to blockbuster and rented 'Twilight' and some other blockbuster flick with mandy moore in it, i dont remember the name.

we watched Twilight. I read the book, and i always like to see how close in accuracy the book is to the movie. It was a cute movie. The characters are very beautiful, which always makes a movie better =) It had its pros and cons (as all movies do) .. but overall it was entertaining.

There is one scene in the film where the character 'Edward' shows what he looks like in the sun, and he is all sparkly and diamond crested. And being that i live in atlanta, our minds go straight to luda. haha. well rappers in general. and i was like omg how funny would it be with that became the new trend for rappers.. haahh i can sooo see it. Jay-Z will come out of retirement (again) and have diamonds all over and he'll call it "twanklin'" ahahhah... my imagination, it just goes there.

hmmm, what else so i have?

uhmmm, I am in the middle of doing my research for my report on metastatic melanoma skin cancer. apparently, we cant use the internet as a resource. grrrr.. i believe my professor forgot it was 2009. so ill be hitting Emorys library this weekend, so that is where you can find me!

tonight, greys anatomy, DUh. if anyone reads my blog you know my weird obsession i have with this show, its absolutely RIDICULOUS!!!!!!! but .. its there... der proposes tonight! so excited. hahah. i think it is pretty obvious i have like NO love life, i so live through theirs. which is fine with me, i dont do well with picking out men, they are always bad for me. always jerks. ok well, i am 22 and have only dated 4 guys in my life. and only 1 serious one. but still.. that one sucked enough to last a lifetime.

so im waiting for God to bring me someone. someone good. and until then, i have my show!
im also going to watch 'in the motherhood' with megan mullally (spell?) she was hysterical on will & grace.. loved her .. so im hoping this show is good! and after that and greys, im going to Beluga martini bar (is that right??) with my chica friends. so should be fun. but then i have to wake up to responsiblility on friday morning, ugh.. respobility.. its the worst hang over in the world, and it will be there everytime.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

words of the week. please use wisely.

*placating. (to placate).



what gave me the right?

life is short.

today i take a moment to breathe.
i breathe a breath of relief.
a breath of pain comes in, a breath of life exhales.
a breath of panic and stress fills my lungs, and a breath of peace is released.

but on this day.
the air if filled with sadness, and overwhlemed with fear.
because today, i was handed a slice of reality.
today, someone very near to my heart passed away.
life wasnt finished, but death is stingy.
my childhood years will hold remembrance of who he was.
my prayers go out to you and your family cassie.

see, ive been lucky, i havent known loss in that way.
and it scares me because it is inevitable.
i know its coming, but there's no where to hide.
ive had close encounters and scarey moments,
all the same, i have been lucky.

im 22 years old. and i look back at how my life has hurried past me.
i remember wanting to be so grown up, so independent, so responsible.
now, all i can think about is how i should have played a little longer in the tree house,
how i should have rode my bike and little further,
i should have taken more pictures with my friends at more tea parties.

we try to rush through the stages of our lives to get the next level,
and when we get to that next level, we sit around and talk about the previous years.
it's so hard to live life in the moment you are given.
Im kicking my ass through school praying for graduation day, but for what?
only to wish i was back in school again?
each day is 24 hours worth of life, that we are blessed with.
24 hours to do with whatever you wish.
Im running in circles wondering why all my friends are married or getting married,
and i cant even admit to having a committment to someone in years.
And i see others get to their next level and im rushing and whining about where my secret passage is that gets me to my next phase of life.
i need to relax, i need to understand that i am only 22 years old. Life has not passed me by, i have not missed my opportunity.

my point is this.
on this day.
i am slowing down my life, i want to live in my stage of life as long as i can before i move on
to my next, so when i do go back and talk about how great those years 'used to be' .. i want to mean it. i want to be able to have something to talk about.

we arent promised forever, we arent even promised one minute after the next. life is here. life is short. and life only comes once for each of us, how do you want to spend it?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

i want you. i want you so bad.

ok, so i have been wanting a new puppy for a while now, ever since my evil ex boyfriend stole custody of aubey. (yorkie, she was precious) .. i have recently found myself in love with pomeranians.. i love furry puppies. and they are jsut sooo adorable..

i am figuring out longs speeches and may some tears involved in my hopes to get one for my birthday.. I know it isnt until august. but i figure i should start asking now. that way when august comes.. my mother might say yes.

i am coming into my final years of school, and so most nights i am home studying.. so i do have the time to be there with her.. and its lonely in my abnormally large bedroom..plus all my room mates will love her and play with her too.. i already have a named picked out for her. "Eleanor" ...i have a thing for old timey names. =)

i want her to have the coat of the puppy in this picture. she is too precious.

Monday, March 23, 2009

one of my favorite and very true lines spoken..

"I guess we cant really complain about karma. Its not unfair, its not unexpected.. it just.. evens the score." --G.O

66 days left.

countown until cruise time. im in desperate need to get out of this town.

im over playing catch and release with the people in my life right now. i just want some tranquility.

new greys thursday, i am excited about that. obviously. its the only thing that has held faithful to me over the last 5 years. derek better propose this week. im ready for it. i think we are all more than ready to see it. its about time.

other than that, i have nothing to report as new in my life.

as my calader precedes this coming week:

tonight: read chapter 8 and read cat disection.

tuesday: read chapter 9 and review the muscles of the body.

wednesday: review muscles of the body and start reviewing for NET exam.

thursday: review muscles of the body and review NET. Greys anatomy

friday: review get paid, pay for the rest of my cruise. review muscles of the body and read chapter 10. go out for a drink or seven

saturday: breakfast, review muscles of the body and review NET, and review notes on 8-10

sunday: same shit as the rest of the week.

monday: exam!! 8-10

Friday, March 20, 2009

Shonda Rhimes. you are amazing.

I literally live for my thursdays. its sad. but true. but gah, its sooo true. Im ready for the proposal of der and mer. I really hope that it is something super adorable and romantic. Its about time, thats for sure. Anyways, Shonda Rhimes is an amazing writer!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

i wish it were april 3rd. i wish lynsey was here.

i wish it were may 27th. i wish i was getting out of this town.

i wish it were graduation day. i wish i didnt have this crappy job.

i wish it were moving day. i wish i was getting out of this town.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I get most of the photo's on my blog from here:


she sells on etsy. check it out.

draining the poisen.

There are times in our lives when we can see the bigger picture, the whole picture. These times are far and few between, but they do come to us. Sometimes after a breakup, sometimes after the loss of someone we love. Sometimes losing a friend. (or were they ever really a friend at all?)

I have seen the bigger picture in my life, and more than that.. I have seen the hateful and deceiving characteristics of someone. The signs have all been there, i should have seen them. I should have known, and on some level, I knew. But the initial shock was still there.

Life is more than just the minute you are living in. Sometimes you have to look further into the future and see what you need in your life and what is bad for you. I have successfully discovered this for myself. I have looked past the right now. And I realized that some people are just not worth having in your life. They are venomous. Friendship shouldn't bring you down, it shouldn't make you feel hurt or betrayed, and when it does. Let it go. It's time. And once its done, its liberating.. the only question is..

How do you maturely and efficiently cut someone out of your life?

Friday, March 13, 2009


Last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy was sooo good. Gah, it stressed me out though. (keep in mind, i have watched this show since day one, i have not missed one episode, and i own all the dvd's and soundtracks.. yea, i know, a little obsessive, but am an addict)

Ok so first of all, lets start with Derek. WTF man. What a jerk. I did not like him last night. But i guess it is about time for him to be crazy, all the rest of them have had their shot. But I cannot believe he played freaking baseball with Mer's engagement ring. ahhh.. and more than that, it was his mothers. what a re re. I mean obvi. he is not quitting SGH, so my guess is that for a couple episodes he is going to mope and be a dick and im praying meredith sticks by him.. and doesnt leave him because then that would mean breakup, again.. and honestly.. im so over them breaking up and getting back together.. so fyi, to the writers, we dont want to see that.. we want to see them actually work thru something together. If they break up again then im not rooting for them to be together anymore, ill be over it. So my hope is, that she will stay with him even tho he is mean to her right now, and then he finds out about izzy, and comes back and does a fabulous cutting edge brain proceedure on her and she is cured. It would be even cooler if she ended up having the tumor that merediths clinical trial was based on, that would be an awesome plot, and then it saved izzy's life..

i also think it would be cool if ( this isnt part of the prediction, because its not going to happen) but i think it would be cool if meredith took those files that derek had of all the patients he saved, and called them up and had them come to his land so he could see them and their families and how grateful they are, esp. the chick that survived the clinical trial. that would be so sweet. but.. thats just a thought.

anyways.. about izzy OMG.. i honestly dont believe the rumors that she is leaving.. I think she is going to stay and finish out her contract.. or she better at least.. so, thinking in the mindset that she is staying, I think she will choose to be treated, and i think derek will perform surgery on her. I think that next episode yang is going to tell someone, probably meredith.. because from the looks of it, she is not the robot that she once was. (p.s. i do not like her and hunt.. i think im just not crazy about him, he has too many issues, and he is weird) ...Izzy is going to tell everyone soon about her diagnosis. I think this is when George is going to gracefully leave the show. I think it will happen at the end of this episode and I think he just wont be able to handle izz being sick or something along those lines.. supposedly the cast keeps saying that his leaving is just rumors, but ... i think he is leaving.. im sad.. i love o'malley.. but he just isnt in the show anymore.. you rarely see him.. and i think the writers and he both know its time..

Im over the lesbian thing.. i think callie needs to go back to men.. i mean NO one liked her with hon (haun? not sure).. and so they 86'd her. And now this new teenie bopper.. she is cute.. and i dont mind her character.. but... come on... she just doesnt have chemistry with these girls..

i suprisingly LOVE McSteamy and little grey together. i think they are too cute.. and even though in real life, men like that dont just magically change..i think its cute that he is...

I also love how grown up and mature meredith's character has become. I absolutely love love love her character, and a lot of people dont, they say she is/was too whiney and needy and has too many issues. But i loved her, and i felt for her and felt like her in some sense, but i have really enjoyed watching her character grow and become better and stronger over the last 5 seasons...

anyways.. my nerd dar just went off ..lol.. from talking this much about the show.. but anyone who knows me.. knows my passion of this damn show.. so.. whatev.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

TB test. A+

I had my second and final TB screening today. Thank God, what a pain the ass that was. I guess i should explain why I had to be tested incase a random reads this is like wtf. lol. I am a volunteer at Emory University Hospital. I volunteer in the ER. And to be on their staff, you have to have a TB test every 12 months. But i passed. yay. haha.

what else happened to me today? anything? uhmmmm.. I saw a real life Dr. McDreamy at the hospital. he was fun to pass in the hall way. I hate leaving there and coming back to my crummy job (hahaha i never say crummy wtf, i like it). I love being at the hospital, which sounds weird to some people. I wish I could hurry up and graduate.. i think school is going to last forever. 4 semesters AND counting.

Oh, I was heading back to work from the hospital and there was a tractor that was turned over which caused a huge traffic jam, which closed down ALL five lanes on 285.. hahah.. i was pissed at the time.. but now that i think about it.. how funny is that?? only in the south!!

And now im sitting here, studying. Im doing my report on Lupus this semester. So im gathering info on it. Before I got into school, I never realized how intricate and elaborate our body is. its insane how many peopple turn out healthy. I mean everything has to go perfectly. its nuts.. anyways...

Im going to home in about an hour and a half, going for a run, cooking, and then getting ready for Grey's. Supposedly Derek quits, but i will beat him if he does.. which we all no he wont really.. but.. omg.. im nervous

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

my favorites in hollywood. =)

New Grey's Anatomy this thursday 03/12/09

do te do.

i logged in to do my daily randomness and post blogs, but when it came down to it.. I realized, I have nothing significant to say. how sad is that? The most adventurous part of my morning has been openeing a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine in our office and after drinking a sip, i about gagged because it tasted so awful, then i noticed the exp. date on it was jan 08. woohoo exciting stuff right there, well not so much exciting as gross, but thats it, thats all i have. sorry.

Mr. Cole

so stinking CUTE!!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

ive been in love..

i've been in love with not getting what I want.

going to the beach this weekend..YAY.

im in desperate need for some sun, corona light, sand, ocean, and relaxation. Thank you Papa G. (and hopps)

listening. mmm.. so good.

Monday, March 9, 2009

i dont know who to be angier at..

Last night.

I went to bed, no television (which is out of character for me).

As I laid there, I began to think, then I began to pray.

We are taught to forgive others. Not for their sake, but for our own. We forgive because even though it was someone else who hurt us, we carry the burdon of anger and resentment. How unfair is that? But that is life, that is the way of the world. So we have to forgive, because carrying that weight around starts to get awfully heavy after a while.

For some reason, this message has been screaming at me lately. So last night, I thought to myself, its time. I have moved on from the things and people that have hurt me in my life, but I dont know that I have ever really let go of the pain. I have never used forgiveness in my life. Ive been carrying around this ache for a very long time.

As i laid there, I drew out a dreadfully detailed list of all the people that I was angry with. It started with my dad, or not being in my life. He just, was never there. Not one softball game, not one cheerleading competition, he missed my first day of kindergarden, he missed everything. And well my romantic life, I never realized how many daddy issues I had until I got older.

I was angry at Brandon. So freaking angry. The thought of my life two years ago makes my nauseous. I was angry with ALL the other guys I have dated in my life, which only add up to 4. But three of them cheated on me. Which led (obviously) to the breakup. And the latest one, I dont know why Im so angry at this one. I guess because he was like a breath of fresh air, he was different, he was better. Or so I thought. And its not the fact that he ended things with me, if he didnt like me enough, he didnt like me enough, there is nothing to be angry about. Its the after part, the calling when he is lonely, or wants/needs something from me. The taking advantage part. That is what pisses me off. Because there again, im giving and they are taking.

I went through this whole list of people that I have been angry at for some time now, and one by one, I went through the details of why i was so bitter and as I talked to God, I felt a little better after each testimony. Some took longer than others, obviously, Brandon's took some DEEP soul searching to genuinely grant forgiveness to, I have been saying that I forgive him for a while now, because i knew to truly move on that I needed to forgive him, i wanted to forgive him, but at the end of the day, i was still irate.

I went through and after I was done, I felt better, I felt lighter (in a sense). But something wasnt right, i did not feel the relief, the comfort i was hoping for, that i was expecting. So, I asked God, why do I need feel like I have been told I would feel? And then it hit me, the chilling realization that i was still angry. I was angry with myself. I was so mad at myself all this time.

The person that took the longest to forgive in my prayer wasnt Brandon, wasnt my dad, it was me. I am irritated with me. I am mad at the things I have done in my life, I was mad at things I did that made me a bad friend at a point in my life, (this references lynsey). I dont think I even ever apologized for it, how rediciulous is that? But I am sorry, more than you could ever imagine.

I am pissed at myself for all the things I LET happen to me. There is only so much someone can do to hurt you on their will. At some point we have to take responsibility to the fact that there is a level we reach where we start letting these people hurt us and in turn we hurt ourselves. I let Brandon treat me the way he did for a very long time. And thats not on him, thats on me. I let it happen, I stood by and watched as my heart got beaten to death, I didnt do anything to stop it, I just watched. And then threw the blame back on him. Not to say he is not at fault, because if you have to keep a book of people in your life from worst to best, he would be on the first page in bold letters. But like I said, there is only so much he could do without my subconscious permission.

Recognizing that I was who I was angriest at wasnt the hard part. The part that was difficult was being able to forgive yourself. I sat there and I made out a mental list of all the people i needed to forgive and why, but when it came down to myself, there was no manual on how to do it. Because as soon as I walked through the reasons of why i was so mad at me and all the flaws i foudn within myself and my past, a grand surge of guilt came over me. I felt guilty for forgiving myself, because it wasnt just blame that i had on myself. I wasnt hurt by what someone else did to me, I was opressed by what I did to me, and others in my life. I felt so guilty so asking for forgiveness from my sins and myself. Because when you have to forgive you, there is no one to blame but yourself. There is no one that hurt you but you.

I spent hours in bed last night literally in tears, uncontrollable tears. Working out my mistakes with God and working out the mistakes others made towards me. This morning I woke and up and could have floated to work on a cloud. I woke up changed for the better.

It wasnt easy but when you can push through that bitterness and you can learn to sincerely forgive someone, and you can push through the guilt and embarrassment of your own faults. You will be the better for it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

i always say..

if their genitals are on the outside.. they're hiding something on the inside..

i feel different..

i want to be better. at everything. i want to be active. i want to be smart. i want to be alive.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

seattle grace hospital. helicopter view.

im not going to lie, it was a little disappointing to learn that the only scenes shot at this location are the helicopter scenes, I was expecting more. However, a local did inform me that they have been seen out doing many street shots throughout the city. Which is kick ass. I heart my show, what can i say??

i miss you.

the past. the present. and the future..

are all side by side..hand in hand.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

there's a leaf..

its new and its turning over..

12 states in 3 days..atlanta to seattle (and many in between)