Thursday, January 15, 2009

life is stupid right now.

Have you ever had news that you knew, one day, maybe not today, maybe not for five years, but one day you knew that this news was going to stab you right in the chest. The same knife that was used to stab you in the back repeatedly has now reached around and has ripped its way through your heart. On this day, that is my life. Being strangled, or beaten, starved to death seems more humane the the news I have recieved on this day. News that, unless you are me, you cannot understand the insanity of, you cannot possibly begin to understand the tears that are now formed a river along my face. With every letter that I type, my emotions alter, and with every modification brings new questions, and with every question brings new lumps to swallow and new difficulty of breathing, and with every question that is thought brings flash backs of my life and with every flash back brings a new flood of tears. Just breathe.

I do not want him.

I do not want him back.

I do not love him.

I do not like him.

Think back on your life, has there been a time where you thought you knew exactly how your life was going to turn out?

Once upon a time, I had a first love, I had a true love. I have feelings that I never thought were posible, I had happiness that only a handful of people are lucky enough to endure. Once upon a time, I was a girl who had everything, I was a girl who had found the love of my life, I thought that I was done, I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing else in the entire world mattered. Life was perfect.

That's the thing about life, there is no fairytales. Life is messy.

So you see, finding out today that the person that was once the love of your life is going to be the father a another woman's child, is not something that can be brushed off.

You may think that I shouldnt care, you may think that because I broke it off with him a year ago, that I should be totally fine with it. Its not that Im not over him, because I am. But that man put me through hell, and I tried as long as I could to stay on that path because I wanted to be with him so badly and I thought one day, if I tried hard enough, life would be good again.

That wasnt the case.

He shortly after the breakup, got back together with his ex (which was a love triangle in the mix of your love story) and they bought a house together. I dealt with it.

The next step seemed to be pregnancy, so I prepared and prepared. I told myself it would come, soon enough. However, they broke up, they got back together, he cheated and lied, they broke up, ditto ditto ditto, she is pregnant.

Its not difficult, its life.

She is living the dream that I once carried. Tear drop.
She has the house that I once drempt of. Tear drop.
She has the man that I once loved. Tear Drop.
And she has the story that was once mine.

And this is why I weep.

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