Thursday, January 29, 2009

i had a hold on life, then the handle broke.

I think about the hours I waste at this tiresome job i have, the same routine everyday. I check credit, i run credit cards, I check credit, I check OFACS, I check credit, I set credit limits, I check credit, I add new customers/vendors to our system. I feel like a little bit of my soul is taken away every time i drive out of the parking lot. During the time I have class (m,t,w,f) i get lost in the world of science, I get so excited to graduate and grasp the opportunity to help people, to help save lives, to make a difference. During these hours of class I feel like my life is worth something, like Im gaining knowledge and perpective on life and how it works. (im in nursing school btw.. or well getting there, im finishing my last science classes, then ill be in the program)
Then I leave school and head back to work, and then the fagitue hits again. why cant i have enough money to not have to work while im in school. THIS SUCKS! Im sure one day i will appreciate the hard work i did and how i put myself through school, but some days i just wish i could have the opportunity to go to school all day instead of work, and that when i got off work i didnt have night classes that lasted until 11P. One day soon enough i am going to wake up and be eager to get to work, i wont be slacking in my appearance and hauling ass at 95 trying to make it to work on time, because I will want to get out of bed, I will want to look my best, I will want to be early for work.

I keep telling myself to live everyday to its fullest. That i will never get this day back, each minute that passes, is gone forever. But it is so hard when I spend my day behinda computer talking on gchat and looking up DNBs. And when I leave i am so echausted from looking at a screen all day (because thats all i have done today) that i want to go home and lay down and watch tv, and then that is when i think im wasting away with routine. I hate routine.

But then i think when in the hell am i complaining about, seriously. what the freak is wrong with me?? I (for the most part) am completely healthy, i can see and hear and i am breathing. I have two legs that work and i can run and throw a ball and play tennis. I have it so easy in the grand scheme of things. I mean the biggest problem i had today was making a hair appt. and trying to decide if i want to stay blonde or go reddish brown.

Same goes for my love life, we we all know.. it is non existant at this point. well, i went out with a new guy and we had a wonderful time, he was so sweet and fun. But being as im all jacked in the head, the more fun i had with him, the more i thought abou ty. How effed up is that? I was out with a great guy and all i could think about is how i wish it was someone else. And this guy has called and text me and has asked me to hang out again, and it is CLEAR he is totally into me. But im just not, im like eh whatever. WHY IS LIFE STUPID LIKE THIS? ok so there is a guy who calls me and wants to hang out and i could careless if i talked to him again or not, and then the guy that broke up with me, doesnt call, clearly doesnt even give a shit if we are friends are not. I cant get out of my head. what the hell? And i want to be optimistic. But it is so easy to get caught up in my own little bubble of pity and self loathing. It is so easy to feel aggrivated by the small things in life that dont go my way. But i have been in love, once, but still that is more than some people know in a lifetime. i was once the happiest girl in the world, and not everyone can say they had the feelings that i once had. so shouldnt that in itself be enough to last me a lifetime. Dont get my wrong I am grateful for the time i got to share with brandon, even if it did turn out to be the greatest mistake to date.

Im a lucky girl. I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I have a best friend named lynsey who is the greatest person i know. I think about having her in my life, and I think how can there not be a God, because only God could make someone that great and i am so blessed to have her in my life. I have a crazy family, we all know that, but i wouldnt trade them for the world, they are nuts and they ALL have issues and do things that embarrass me but at the end of the day, they are my family. and i love them. So, im vowing not to complain about anything that is petty. I dont want to waste my life dwelling on things i cant change, and i dont want to miss out on what I can.

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