Tuesday, January 13, 2009

hopeless.pointless.rambling.

Im all out. Out of inspiration, out of luck, out of time, out of optimism, even my jar full of hope has become empty.

Most people, if they had the luck I have seem to have in my life, would give up. They would give up on all the things they had set their heart out on its mission to gain. Whether that be success and money, fame and glory, or .. love.

But I cant seem to give it up. Im out of resources and yet, I am a hopeless romantic in every way a person could be. There is a cloud that my head seems to live on. I have this extravigant belief system, that I will gain a great career and fame by doing a great impossible surgery that no one else had attempted before, even though im only going to be a nurse, (well nurse practioner is the ultimate goal) .. but still, I have this enchanted idea that I will do something great, and that will lead me to victory in my career. (This, btw is not exactly my idea of what would happen, its just an idea of how diluted my brain is)
And as far as my love life, HA! So far it has been a joke, they say we are all part of the cosmic joke, however, I think I am the main act in that comedy. Every relationship I have had in my life (which is less than a handful) has come with its own share of heartache, which I guess is the definition of a reltionship, but.. I have had shit luck with them.

Boyfriend #1 - My first real boyfriend, the whole losing the Vcard to each other BS. We had a lot of good times together, I was never in love with him, he was never in love with me. But it was fun. We were together for 8 months, which seemed like a lifetime at that point in my life, and the only reason I lost my card to him (and him to me) was because we were the only ones left, all our friends had done it, it was the talk of the town it seemed like, we were the only losers left out of high school that were still virgins, so we explored. ONCE. I wasnt a fan. (haha) Am I rambling? I think Im rambling, anyways, my point is.. soon after, I discovered that he was seeing his ex girlfriend at the same time as me, my friends had seen him with her and so I asked and of course it was denied, bla bla bla long story short. It was the first time I put trust into another human in a romantic aspec and gotten hurt. I wasnt in pain because I loved him, I was upset because it was so dirty and sneaky. I couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that people actually cheat. So, needless to say, I broke up with him.

Boyfriend #2 - HA! now this one, if only i had the time and enrgy as to say everything I want to say about this one. This was the big one for me, the one that fucked me. This, i regret to say, was my first love. See, that is the thing about first loves, the reason they are said to be the most painful and the hardest to get over is this: when you fall in love for the first time, you fall hard, you fall fast, you fall with open arms, there are no boudaries, there are no barriers, you havent been hurt by all the evil that people can do to hurt you yet, so you are vulnerable and that is where the hard part of getting over them comes in. The first painful sting of rejection or loss of something you needed and wanted. There goes that rambling again, shit, sorry.
Anyways, Im going to make this short. Bottom line, I lost all my innocence when I fell in love this time. The first time. I thought I knew him, I thought he was my everything, my entire world revolved around who he was. Sadly, people are not always who they seem ( i have learned that more than once) I was beaten, I was cheated on, I was left at numerous parties because there was a girl there he wanted to hook up with, there was also the infamous love triangle, there was the married thing, and the confused thing, and the sex with my room mate thing, and the breakng my heart for the first time on my birthday, the second on christmas, and the third on christmas, i could go on.. (i do, however, still have my halloween, he did not ruin halloween for me) dot dot dot four and a half years later, I broke up with him for good, a final straw came to a final chapter which came to an end to he and i. (and i know i know.. you are thinking wtf, what took you so long, what were you thinking, i would never let someone treat me like that, but until you are in someone else's shoes, dont judge)
What Im saying is this, I thought I was (and i still think I was) the best girlfriend I could have been to him, I wasnt too clincgy ( i love my space) I still had girls nights and he had guys nights, we NEVER argued unless it was over something worth arguing about, like him sleeping with my roomie, I was wise in choosing my battles, because I dont believe in dumb arguements. I always dressed up for him, I tried to look my best for him as much as i could, even after four years, our sex life was ridiculously amazing ( which i think is why he still trys to contact me, its pathetic, but it entertains me) I had how to be a girlfriend 101 down to a tee.
But here is the something about the time after that pain, you develop phobias. The phobia that everyone is going to do the same awful things to you that the previous person has done, I tried to ignore these phobia's but sometimes you just cant. Prime example, the guy I told you about a few blogs ago, he came to an ugly christmas sweater party with me, and there was this girl. And I didnt even notice it until my friend kimberly pointed it out ( thanks for that btw kim) lol.. but she was being super flirty (border line inappropriate, then defnitely inappropriate considering I was there being all do te do, im just dating him, no big deal) anyways, Im going to give his guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he was oblivious to how flirty it was in front of me, because that is totally his personality (like mine, we dont meet a stranger and would flirt with someone's grandma if she was talking to us, without realizing it, duh) anways, we were getting ready to leave and he was willing to stay and just walk home, and I dont know if it was the drinking or the flirting that girl was doing but, I had a flashback of all the times I had been left at parties hit me like a freight train. I couldnt get it out of my head, it consumed my mind, so I insisted he come with us, he resisted, and I again pressured the idea that he come and we would take him home.. and i know what you are thinking (you as in whoever decides to read my randomness) that if he was going to do it, he would do it anyways.. i know i know... but I never did anything to stop it in the past, I just let it happen, I ALLOWED, in a sense, him to leave and go with another girl, and I just couldnt bring myself to think that I could let that happen again (reminder that this is all in my head, my maybe and probably was just going home, but.. in my head he wasnt so, thats all i knew so i acted on that) .. which may and probably and ultimately had some affect on the fact that the next day he became shady and a couple days later dumped me.. I have gone over and over in my head the last week or so that we were "dating" to see if maybe there was something I did, maybe I said the wrong thing, or wore the wrong clothes, I dont know.. I have analyzed until I couldnt think straight. (Let me let you in on a little secret, that was the first time I had ever been broken up with, so it was different, and weird, and probably the most painful part) because now here I am thinking WTF, because like I said previously, as far as doing ym part as the gf, I think I do an exceptional job, Im nice, funny, sometimes smart lol, try to be as cute as possible, i know how to choose my battles, because unlike the 99% of girls out there, I DO NOT like to argue, I dont like to be in fights. So, I was genuinely confused, but I have way too much pride to ask, he gave some BS reasoning, which I still dont believe, but I try to convice myself that the reason are real, for my own sake, I would rather think its him than me.. lol.. especially when I cant pin point how it would have been me. But then again I look back and I think how could it have NOT been me?? There are a couple other short lived 3 month relationships that I wont bore you with, but EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has cheated on me (with exception to the last one, but i was broken up with so that is just as upsetting) anyways, every single person I have let come into my life has cheated on me, so what does that say about me? Does it say I am attracted to the wrong guy? Does it say that I give off an 'its okay, you can treat me like crap, i dont mind' vibe?? I mean it has to be me, no one gets fucked over that many times right?? Not without it being their fault..

ok so I have a point, I swear. I have like a million thoughts fluttering through my brain right now and I can only type about 65 wpm, so with that math, you can see why I ramble.
Oh, the point.. right.. sorry.. The beatles once asked where all the lonely people are, my guess is that a great deal of them come from having expectations, more specifically, expectations of other people, when you set a bar for how someone should be, there is a 98% chance, that you will be disappointed. I know from countless times of having this feeling. More than with men, with friends too, I have many friends that have let me down in my life (dont get me wrong, im no angel, there are things i have done to let my friends down as well) and even with family, more precisely, my father, talk about repeated disappointment, just when I think we can pretend to be father and daughter, he says things like how having kids is a mistake and how it changes your life or how he pouts through your entire high school graduation becuase he had to take off work to fly to georgia to see me graduate, even tho he was not there for one cheerleading compeition, or one play or one tennis match, or one softball game and I played for 11 years, or the most recent he tells you he is coming to eat lunch with you because he hasnt seen you in 2 years and you are in the same city as him, and he stands you up, does a no show, like im on a blind date and he saw me before i could see him, and didnt like what he saw so he turned and walked away.
So how is it, after all this time, I am still as hopeless as they come. no matter what life throws at me, im still glass half full, im still optimistic, im still good is still out there i just need to find it, and even after all the glass i walked on in past relationships, I still have faith that one day, my life will be the living version of the notebook, that Mr. perfect is out there, that at the end of all the glass, there is going to be someone there with a bandage to heal my cuts. That is another expectation for my life, its one I have had since I was a little girl, I have always known that the white horse was coming, one day.. but.. when/if it never comes.. will I be disappointed with what reality im left with?

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