Thursday, January 29, 2009

i had a hold on life, then the handle broke.

I think about the hours I waste at this tiresome job i have, the same routine everyday. I check credit, i run credit cards, I check credit, I check OFACS, I check credit, I set credit limits, I check credit, I add new customers/vendors to our system. I feel like a little bit of my soul is taken away every time i drive out of the parking lot. During the time I have class (m,t,w,f) i get lost in the world of science, I get so excited to graduate and grasp the opportunity to help people, to help save lives, to make a difference. During these hours of class I feel like my life is worth something, like Im gaining knowledge and perpective on life and how it works. (im in nursing school btw.. or well getting there, im finishing my last science classes, then ill be in the program)
Then I leave school and head back to work, and then the fagitue hits again. why cant i have enough money to not have to work while im in school. THIS SUCKS! Im sure one day i will appreciate the hard work i did and how i put myself through school, but some days i just wish i could have the opportunity to go to school all day instead of work, and that when i got off work i didnt have night classes that lasted until 11P. One day soon enough i am going to wake up and be eager to get to work, i wont be slacking in my appearance and hauling ass at 95 trying to make it to work on time, because I will want to get out of bed, I will want to look my best, I will want to be early for work.

I keep telling myself to live everyday to its fullest. That i will never get this day back, each minute that passes, is gone forever. But it is so hard when I spend my day behinda computer talking on gchat and looking up DNBs. And when I leave i am so echausted from looking at a screen all day (because thats all i have done today) that i want to go home and lay down and watch tv, and then that is when i think im wasting away with routine. I hate routine.

But then i think when in the hell am i complaining about, seriously. what the freak is wrong with me?? I (for the most part) am completely healthy, i can see and hear and i am breathing. I have two legs that work and i can run and throw a ball and play tennis. I have it so easy in the grand scheme of things. I mean the biggest problem i had today was making a hair appt. and trying to decide if i want to stay blonde or go reddish brown.

Same goes for my love life, we we all know.. it is non existant at this point. well, i went out with a new guy and we had a wonderful time, he was so sweet and fun. But being as im all jacked in the head, the more fun i had with him, the more i thought abou ty. How effed up is that? I was out with a great guy and all i could think about is how i wish it was someone else. And this guy has called and text me and has asked me to hang out again, and it is CLEAR he is totally into me. But im just not, im like eh whatever. WHY IS LIFE STUPID LIKE THIS? ok so there is a guy who calls me and wants to hang out and i could careless if i talked to him again or not, and then the guy that broke up with me, doesnt call, clearly doesnt even give a shit if we are friends are not. I cant get out of my head. what the hell? And i want to be optimistic. But it is so easy to get caught up in my own little bubble of pity and self loathing. It is so easy to feel aggrivated by the small things in life that dont go my way. But i have been in love, once, but still that is more than some people know in a lifetime. i was once the happiest girl in the world, and not everyone can say they had the feelings that i once had. so shouldnt that in itself be enough to last me a lifetime. Dont get my wrong I am grateful for the time i got to share with brandon, even if it did turn out to be the greatest mistake to date.

Im a lucky girl. I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I have a best friend named lynsey who is the greatest person i know. I think about having her in my life, and I think how can there not be a God, because only God could make someone that great and i am so blessed to have her in my life. I have a crazy family, we all know that, but i wouldnt trade them for the world, they are nuts and they ALL have issues and do things that embarrass me but at the end of the day, they are my family. and i love them. So, im vowing not to complain about anything that is petty. I dont want to waste my life dwelling on things i cant change, and i dont want to miss out on what I can.

Monday, January 26, 2009

amandanizer.

This weekend was one of the funnest weekends I have had in a while. There is something about having a girls weekend with your two best friends that makes life perfect.
Nikki and I drove to bham to see lynsey. much drinking was involved (obviously).

I wish I could freeze these moments in my life, the trips, the inside jokes, the laughter, I want to fold them up and stick them in a box and have them forever.

The older we get, the farther we move, the more ocmplicated our love lives get which in turn make our ability to up and leave for a fun filled weekend a little more complicated. I we could stay little forever. I remember when I wanted to hang out with lynsey or snikki I would call or show up at their house and the randomness would begin, but now.. no one lives in the same city.. we all have jobs, and/or in school. We have (and by we i mean snikki) have boyfriends to tie us down, we have bills and obligations. So these moments we get together are so important. they are so special.

These girls mean more to me than anything else in the world, i would (literally) die for them. When I think about moving farther away from the south, i think about how i would miss out on so much more if i did that. and that is the one thing that keeps me here.

I want to vow to see them once a month (at least duh). I want to have so many more fun trips and random fights at hot dogs stands, more MJ nights, more dance offs and dinners and athens trips, beach trips. just more.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

polka dots & pin stripes

today is a new day. today is a good day, no, today is a great day.

my life has had its share of troubles, but no more.

im done.

distance became my clarity. clarity became my saviour.

it always happens that way.

there are times when life becomes harder than black and white.

grey fills your head. and for a while its fuzzy.

everytime you make a bad decision. fuzzy.

everytime you fall in love. fuzzy.

everytime you life knocks you on your ass. fuzzy.

but life doesnt wait for you to get up and dust yourself off.

but soon there will be distinction. soon there will be peace again.

it comes in waves. and leaves in pieces.

and to this i say, hang in there. clarity always catches a ride on fate. whatever is meant to be in your life will be. fate waits for you to make the big mistakes so it can swoop down and redirect you. its as certain as the sun rise.

stoned thoughts.

I am looking.
yet, ive grown blind.
blinded by artificial illusions
illusions society has depicted and set before me.

The chimera my generation has named "love"
is nothing more than make-believe retail
we buy to entertain our minds and escape from ourselves.

would you rather know everything about one thing, or a little big about everything?

quotes i use.

mistakes are painful, but.. they're the only way to figure out who we really are.

if im honest, i still don't know what love is.

please forgive me if i act a little strange, for i know not what i do. everytime i look at you.

he can never be what you need him to be because he can only be what he knows how to be.

there is nothing math or science can't answer, so ask them.

one of my personal favorites:

the more you know what you want, and what you are looking for, the less you let things upset you.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

life is stupid right now.

Have you ever had news that you knew, one day, maybe not today, maybe not for five years, but one day you knew that this news was going to stab you right in the chest. The same knife that was used to stab you in the back repeatedly has now reached around and has ripped its way through your heart. On this day, that is my life. Being strangled, or beaten, starved to death seems more humane the the news I have recieved on this day. News that, unless you are me, you cannot understand the insanity of, you cannot possibly begin to understand the tears that are now formed a river along my face. With every letter that I type, my emotions alter, and with every modification brings new questions, and with every question brings new lumps to swallow and new difficulty of breathing, and with every question that is thought brings flash backs of my life and with every flash back brings a new flood of tears. Just breathe.

I do not want him.

I do not want him back.

I do not love him.

I do not like him.


Think back on your life, has there been a time where you thought you knew exactly how your life was going to turn out?

Once upon a time, I had a first love, I had a true love. I have feelings that I never thought were posible, I had happiness that only a handful of people are lucky enough to endure. Once upon a time, I was a girl who had everything, I was a girl who had found the love of my life, I thought that I was done, I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing else in the entire world mattered. Life was perfect.

That's the thing about life, there is no fairytales. Life is messy.

So you see, finding out today that the person that was once the love of your life is going to be the father a another woman's child, is not something that can be brushed off.

You may think that I shouldnt care, you may think that because I broke it off with him a year ago, that I should be totally fine with it. Its not that Im not over him, because I am. But that man put me through hell, and I tried as long as I could to stay on that path because I wanted to be with him so badly and I thought one day, if I tried hard enough, life would be good again.

That wasnt the case.

He shortly after the breakup, got back together with his ex (which was a love triangle in the mix of your love story) and they bought a house together. I dealt with it.

The next step seemed to be pregnancy, so I prepared and prepared. I told myself it would come, soon enough. However, they broke up, they got back together, he cheated and lied, they broke up, ditto ditto ditto, she is pregnant.

Its not difficult, its life.

She is living the dream that I once carried. Tear drop.
She has the house that I once drempt of. Tear drop.
She has the man that I once loved. Tear Drop.
And she has the story that was once mine.

And this is why I weep.

school starts. once again.

School is a never ending process. You start in pre-school at age three, at five you have your first monumental day which we all know as kindergarden, where you learn all your basics, reading, writing, recess, and napping for candy. As for me, I spent four years in elementary school and then headed off to another school containing my fifth and sixth grade years. They called this middle school. Two short years later new trials and pressure arouse as I entered junior high school for my seventh and eigth grade years. Junior high school is a completely different world from the school world I had previously lived in. Boys become appealing, make up and shaving your legs is a must. Acedemics take a back seat to the popularity. First cheerleading tryouts were the most stressful time at that age. (which by the way, I kicked ass on my score). Seventh grade was full of trying to find your place in the net five years. Eighth grade, on the other hand, felt completely different, we ruled the school (so to speak). I felt superior to the up and coming seventh graders. That all changes when you enter high school because you go back to square one, feeling one, the intensity of being new and unfamiliar once again. Cheerleader tryouts were again the most intense part of the first part of high school. Fortunately and unfortunately, being a freshman girl meant lots of attention. The boys loved the new faces and tried in every way to scoop up the vulnerablility we freshman walked with. I think back on all my friends who were taken advantage of and talked about and the boy crazed friends that hopped from one senior to the next, and I am thankful for my innocence. I never once caved, or even had a desire to cave to the pressures of high school. I was one of the populars anyways. I hung out with all the right people and went to all the right parties. And somehow never had to prove anything, I was very close to most of the older populars in school, I was like the little sister to most of the guys and to most of the girls. I took full advantage of that role. It suited me. ( this is the part where I would like to thank my mom and grandma for this full fledged personality that I was blessed with, which sounds so vein, but everyone gets to be egotistical in a way, this is mine.. and it saved me from having to use other things to compensate to get people to like me, and for that.. Im thankful) . . anyways.. I dabbled in all the pleasures of high school my freshman year (with exception to anything sexual, I was a prude I guess you could say) but I tried all the others, drinking, smoking, etc. I will admit I thought it was cooler than acutal enjoyment.
Tenth and eleventh grade years. I was super involved in church, I went to parties still but I rarely drank, and if i did, it was A drink. I was introduced to Solid Rock my seventh grade year, adn fell in love with all the people in the youth there, which, to this day, I remain best friends with the girls I met there (2 inparticular) ... but my senior year is a different story. I was very involved in school, I played tennis, i was in drama club, and I attended all the social events, was in many after school clubs. Church had screwed with my head, I fell into some bad seeds from church and I was turned off at the thought of hypocrits, so I indulged myself in my senior year. I attended every dance, every football game. I found my first love. I graduated with honors. I then moved to California shortly after graduation. I then discovered that i wasnt finished with my life back home, so I returned a short 7 months later. bla bla bla. Started school at CSU, which didnt work out so well because I was dealing with things that I was not ready to deal with, I had distractions and I couldnt focus, so I quit.. took a semester off which turned into two semesters which in turn made its way to three semesters and then four.
Here I am, back in school, second semester in. One more to go until I get into the program I want. (which is nursing).
I talked with my advisor at GA State and she let me in on a little secret. She said that some of the credits that I had would not transfer over to state. Curriculum for the nursing program had been adjusted and that some of the courses I had previously taken would not be accepted because they now had to be taken at GA State, and were not allowed to be taken else where. Which put me back another year, so instead of going into the nursing program this fall, I would have to wait and go into the program next fall. Frustrated I was like what other options is there for me? She claimed that if I tansferred to GPC (which by the way, dont tell anyone because encouraging someone to tranfer is not acceptable to that school lol) anways, she said that if I transfer to GPC and go into their program (which is a two year program and I would graduate with my LPN license) then I could go into their program in the spring and then graduate the next fall. (which is when I would be getting in GA STATES program) then I could do a bridge program and be able to work as a nurse while Im finishing the bridge over into a RN degree, and I wouldnt have to retake those other classes because they are accepted at GPC. So I took this advice, researched it, sat on it, thought about it, and finally came to the conclusion that this was the best option for me, so I started GPC, and I love it, its smaller, there are no homeless men asking for money every time I walk outside, its closer to work. There is nothing negative about it. I made a great choice!!
When I think about all the time I invested in school, It boggles my mind. I have spent my entire life revolved around school one way or another, and now im still chugging along on the school path and when I graduate, I want to go right back into school for my master's!! By that time I will be 28, and I wouldnt have known any other way of life other than school (well and work) ... its exhausting, but oddly enough I love it. I am getting into more science now, so its getting more enjoyable. I am disecting a cat this semester, which btw, is my third cat in my lifetime.. but still, it doesnt get old. Organs are the coolest thing ever (haha, that sounds like a blonde sentence).



random TMI: favorite years in school thus far:

1. third grade Mrs. Garner (all my bff's were in my class and my teacher was amazing!)

2. fifth grade (I was a library aide, which sounds nerdy but it was awesome, people lined up to get to be able to have this opportunity and my friend cassie and I got it)

3. seventh grade ( we starting changing periods and there were seven of them, but there was one teacher in particular that made school so fun, I couldnt wait for her class, it was Ms. Fuller and it was history, she was the funniest person alive, that is when I discovered how I loved comedy and wanted to be funny as well.. also I made cheerleader, and i loved loved loved Coach Rollison who was the cheer coach. i could go one, but this was hands down my favorite year ever)

4. ninth grade ( i loved everything about being in high school my first year, I felt so grown up)

5. senior year (for obvious reasons)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

happy song.

My happy song, everyone has one, that one song that no matter how down you are, how kicked in the dirt youre life is, this song makes it all better. I like to call it the mood stabilizer.

mine is:

the beatles. here comes the sun.




... currently listening.
....mood is good.

child of mine.

I am currently listening to 'child of mine' by Carol King. This is my mom's song to me. She played it at my 13th birthday party for the first time. I was too young to understand or appreciate it. But every time I hear this damn song tears dance along my eye lids. My mother will be the one to walk me down the aisle when I get married, whenever that day may be. (not exactly traditional but she has done everything for me, she has lived her whole life for me, even though its annoying at times, I appreciate her) And I have my entire wedding planned out to the tiniest detail (dont judge me, im a typical girl, its what we do).. but that is another blog another day..

Next on the playlist is Tony Bennett - the way you look tonight
then Nat King Cole - unforgettable
Ray Charles - Georgia on my mind
Al Green - lets stay together

I am totally into classic music like this, unforgettable is one of my favorite songs in the entire world, there is something magical about it, this type of music will be played by a live band at my wedding as well, as cliche as that may seem, I dont care, a wedding in general is a cliche ceremony so I can have typical music for a typical ceremony if i want to .. =) (oops there I go again) I was just talking to a friend of mine who is getting married and she was giving deets so it is fresh on my mind, sorry. i love weddings... i would go to one every day if i could. they are so whimsical.

The thing I love most about this music, is no matter how bad of a day you are having, no matter what stress you are under, play this, and all your troubles disappear, for that 3 mintues anyways. =)

hopeless.pointless.rambling.

Im all out. Out of inspiration, out of luck, out of time, out of optimism, even my jar full of hope has become empty.

Most people, if they had the luck I have seem to have in my life, would give up. They would give up on all the things they had set their heart out on its mission to gain. Whether that be success and money, fame and glory, or .. love.

But I cant seem to give it up. Im out of resources and yet, I am a hopeless romantic in every way a person could be. There is a cloud that my head seems to live on. I have this extravigant belief system, that I will gain a great career and fame by doing a great impossible surgery that no one else had attempted before, even though im only going to be a nurse, (well nurse practioner is the ultimate goal) .. but still, I have this enchanted idea that I will do something great, and that will lead me to victory in my career. (This, btw is not exactly my idea of what would happen, its just an idea of how diluted my brain is)
And as far as my love life, HA! So far it has been a joke, they say we are all part of the cosmic joke, however, I think I am the main act in that comedy. Every relationship I have had in my life (which is less than a handful) has come with its own share of heartache, which I guess is the definition of a reltionship, but.. I have had shit luck with them.

Boyfriend #1 - My first real boyfriend, the whole losing the Vcard to each other BS. We had a lot of good times together, I was never in love with him, he was never in love with me. But it was fun. We were together for 8 months, which seemed like a lifetime at that point in my life, and the only reason I lost my card to him (and him to me) was because we were the only ones left, all our friends had done it, it was the talk of the town it seemed like, we were the only losers left out of high school that were still virgins, so we explored. ONCE. I wasnt a fan. (haha) Am I rambling? I think Im rambling, anyways, my point is.. soon after, I discovered that he was seeing his ex girlfriend at the same time as me, my friends had seen him with her and so I asked and of course it was denied, bla bla bla long story short. It was the first time I put trust into another human in a romantic aspec and gotten hurt. I wasnt in pain because I loved him, I was upset because it was so dirty and sneaky. I couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that people actually cheat. So, needless to say, I broke up with him.

Boyfriend #2 - HA! now this one, if only i had the time and enrgy as to say everything I want to say about this one. This was the big one for me, the one that fucked me. This, i regret to say, was my first love. See, that is the thing about first loves, the reason they are said to be the most painful and the hardest to get over is this: when you fall in love for the first time, you fall hard, you fall fast, you fall with open arms, there are no boudaries, there are no barriers, you havent been hurt by all the evil that people can do to hurt you yet, so you are vulnerable and that is where the hard part of getting over them comes in. The first painful sting of rejection or loss of something you needed and wanted. There goes that rambling again, shit, sorry.
Anyways, Im going to make this short. Bottom line, I lost all my innocence when I fell in love this time. The first time. I thought I knew him, I thought he was my everything, my entire world revolved around who he was. Sadly, people are not always who they seem ( i have learned that more than once) I was beaten, I was cheated on, I was left at numerous parties because there was a girl there he wanted to hook up with, there was also the infamous love triangle, there was the married thing, and the confused thing, and the sex with my room mate thing, and the breakng my heart for the first time on my birthday, the second on christmas, and the third on christmas, i could go on.. (i do, however, still have my halloween, he did not ruin halloween for me) dot dot dot four and a half years later, I broke up with him for good, a final straw came to a final chapter which came to an end to he and i. (and i know i know.. you are thinking wtf, what took you so long, what were you thinking, i would never let someone treat me like that, but until you are in someone else's shoes, dont judge)
What Im saying is this, I thought I was (and i still think I was) the best girlfriend I could have been to him, I wasnt too clincgy ( i love my space) I still had girls nights and he had guys nights, we NEVER argued unless it was over something worth arguing about, like him sleeping with my roomie, I was wise in choosing my battles, because I dont believe in dumb arguements. I always dressed up for him, I tried to look my best for him as much as i could, even after four years, our sex life was ridiculously amazing ( which i think is why he still trys to contact me, its pathetic, but it entertains me) I had how to be a girlfriend 101 down to a tee.
But here is the something about the time after that pain, you develop phobias. The phobia that everyone is going to do the same awful things to you that the previous person has done, I tried to ignore these phobia's but sometimes you just cant. Prime example, the guy I told you about a few blogs ago, he came to an ugly christmas sweater party with me, and there was this girl. And I didnt even notice it until my friend kimberly pointed it out ( thanks for that btw kim) lol.. but she was being super flirty (border line inappropriate, then defnitely inappropriate considering I was there being all do te do, im just dating him, no big deal) anyways, Im going to give his guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he was oblivious to how flirty it was in front of me, because that is totally his personality (like mine, we dont meet a stranger and would flirt with someone's grandma if she was talking to us, without realizing it, duh) anways, we were getting ready to leave and he was willing to stay and just walk home, and I dont know if it was the drinking or the flirting that girl was doing but, I had a flashback of all the times I had been left at parties hit me like a freight train. I couldnt get it out of my head, it consumed my mind, so I insisted he come with us, he resisted, and I again pressured the idea that he come and we would take him home.. and i know what you are thinking (you as in whoever decides to read my randomness) that if he was going to do it, he would do it anyways.. i know i know... but I never did anything to stop it in the past, I just let it happen, I ALLOWED, in a sense, him to leave and go with another girl, and I just couldnt bring myself to think that I could let that happen again (reminder that this is all in my head, my maybe and probably was just going home, but.. in my head he wasnt so, thats all i knew so i acted on that) .. which may and probably and ultimately had some affect on the fact that the next day he became shady and a couple days later dumped me.. I have gone over and over in my head the last week or so that we were "dating" to see if maybe there was something I did, maybe I said the wrong thing, or wore the wrong clothes, I dont know.. I have analyzed until I couldnt think straight. (Let me let you in on a little secret, that was the first time I had ever been broken up with, so it was different, and weird, and probably the most painful part) because now here I am thinking WTF, because like I said previously, as far as doing ym part as the gf, I think I do an exceptional job, Im nice, funny, sometimes smart lol, try to be as cute as possible, i know how to choose my battles, because unlike the 99% of girls out there, I DO NOT like to argue, I dont like to be in fights. So, I was genuinely confused, but I have way too much pride to ask, he gave some BS reasoning, which I still dont believe, but I try to convice myself that the reason are real, for my own sake, I would rather think its him than me.. lol.. especially when I cant pin point how it would have been me. But then again I look back and I think how could it have NOT been me?? There are a couple other short lived 3 month relationships that I wont bore you with, but EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has cheated on me (with exception to the last one, but i was broken up with so that is just as upsetting) anyways, every single person I have let come into my life has cheated on me, so what does that say about me? Does it say I am attracted to the wrong guy? Does it say that I give off an 'its okay, you can treat me like crap, i dont mind' vibe?? I mean it has to be me, no one gets fucked over that many times right?? Not without it being their fault..

ok so I have a point, I swear. I have like a million thoughts fluttering through my brain right now and I can only type about 65 wpm, so with that math, you can see why I ramble.
Oh, the point.. right.. sorry.. The beatles once asked where all the lonely people are, my guess is that a great deal of them come from having expectations, more specifically, expectations of other people, when you set a bar for how someone should be, there is a 98% chance, that you will be disappointed. I know from countless times of having this feeling. More than with men, with friends too, I have many friends that have let me down in my life (dont get me wrong, im no angel, there are things i have done to let my friends down as well) and even with family, more precisely, my father, talk about repeated disappointment, just when I think we can pretend to be father and daughter, he says things like how having kids is a mistake and how it changes your life or how he pouts through your entire high school graduation becuase he had to take off work to fly to georgia to see me graduate, even tho he was not there for one cheerleading compeition, or one play or one tennis match, or one softball game and I played for 11 years, or the most recent he tells you he is coming to eat lunch with you because he hasnt seen you in 2 years and you are in the same city as him, and he stands you up, does a no show, like im on a blind date and he saw me before i could see him, and didnt like what he saw so he turned and walked away.
So how is it, after all this time, I am still as hopeless as they come. no matter what life throws at me, im still glass half full, im still optimistic, im still good is still out there i just need to find it, and even after all the glass i walked on in past relationships, I still have faith that one day, my life will be the living version of the notebook, that Mr. perfect is out there, that at the end of all the glass, there is going to be someone there with a bandage to heal my cuts. That is another expectation for my life, its one I have had since I was a little girl, I have always known that the white horse was coming, one day.. but.. when/if it never comes.. will I be disappointed with what reality im left with?