Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Damnit Christmas you got me again.

I have to be honest, I'm in a suprising amount of pain. On halloween night, my orginal plans fell through so I found myself and an unfamiliar party. I met a boy, by chance. And as fate would have it, we had our first date on November 6, 2008. He is the kind of guy that no matter how bad your day is, you know that its going to be better when he comes around. Uniquely genuine. Which as we all know, is rare. Especially for me. I have had my share of being kicked in the dirt. I was instantly smitten by his charm. I can't really place the details of why, maybe its because the way we met was so random, or because he is so different than what I was used to. The point is we hit it off completely, it was fresh and exciting, and i was in desperate need of something new. I thought after all the beatings life gave me, that I had finally caught a break. I have learned through countless disappointments not to expect too much from people, and to just live life day by day. That's what I was doing, I had no expectations, I just knew I found someone I connected with and enjoyed being around. If down the road we stopped talking or we got serious, Im willing to go where ever life takes me.
Dec 22, 2008, The "BUT" entered our relationship. To be honest I think it was because it is christmas time, and there is just something about this holiday that I just cant step away from bad news. Last year on this exact date, December 22, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, it was hard but defnitely for the best. December the year before, my grandpa died, The christmas before that the person I trusted most in life deceived me. Anyways, im rambling..but I suprised to learn that the mere possibility of being committed was not an option for us. Without choice I was forced to accept the fact that he has his own agenda, he has plans for his life. And I get that and I respect that, because I have that for myself as well. However, I cant help but feel as if its unfair for the to cut off something that might be great, maybe not. But maybe.
I cant place my finger on exactly why I am as upset as I have found myself to be. I think for the first time in a really long time I genuinely liked someone and cared about what he had to say and how he felt and who he was. Maybe it was because it is so new and to put limitations on something that hasnt become anything yet just plain sucks. Maybe its because it came out of left field, or maybe its because my pride was hurt.
I just know that as I look back at my life, some of my greatest memories and some of my best friends have come into my life by total accident. I think if I could preach one word of advice it would be this: Take every moment you live and live it to the fullest, live in that moment like you'll never have another, becauase you will never have it again once its gone.

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